Post this link on your journals! We must save this sitcom. It is the best one I've ever seen.
If you haven't seen it, WATCH IT. Rent seasons one and two - start from the beginning, otherwise you are likely not to get the full impact of it's brilliance.
SIGN THE PETITION - AND PASS IT ON!!!
Jan. 13th, 2006 @ 04:58 am
April's absence is so palpable, it's almost like a presence.
By Hannah Langford/WCJB TV20 News
It's a cheap way to get high, but it can be deadly. One woman in our area may have lost her life to it.
26 year old April Piety was found unconscious behind her Southwest Gainesville apartment complex Saturday morning. Police say she later died at Shands AGH, apparently after inhaling freon, a coolant used to chill air in air conditioners. Doctors say inhaling freon, or "huffing" is not uncommon.
"Even in town, people will call their air conditioner repairmen saying their air conditioner is broken down and when the technician comes out he discovers it didn't really break down, someone opened the valve and sucked all the freon out of the air conditioner," says UF Pharmacy Professor Paul Doering.
When freon or other inhalants get together in the body with adrenaline, the combination can cause the heart to beat irregularly, and if it's irregular enough, blood does not circulate to vital organs, and that's when death can occur.
Nov. 12th, 2005 @ 06:40 pm
Hanging suicide mistaken for Halloween prank
FREDERICA, Del. -- It could be easily seen from passing vehicles. Yet the apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours, because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said. The 42-year-old woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said. State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday but dismissed it as a holiday prank. Authorities were called to the scene more than three hours later.
|» Mitch Hedburg Jokes Well Worth thr Read...He was a genius|
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. |
I Think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy once. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "There is no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.
This one time I was in a convenience store, and guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn't give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing."
On a traffic light, green means "go" and yellow means "yield," but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on," yellow means "go ahead," and red means "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?"
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.
I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips." "Or potato salad." "Ok." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts." "Well you're not in the fuckin' club!"
I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude -- you have to wait!"
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
My friend came up to me and he said, "Hey you know what I like? Mashed potatoes." And I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. (laughs) If you are going to quiz me you must put a pause in there."
"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you do that? Let me see that camera."
I like the FedEx guy, 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it! And he's always on time.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker, this thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.
I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"
There is a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum!
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.
...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say "can I help you sir" and I'll say "Just practicing"
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I stick my feet out the window? Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ..."
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere ..."
I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No." "Cool, cause you know me."
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, and you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Is a Hippopotamus a Hip Opotamus? Or just a really cool Opotamus?
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus" ... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit
I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us...or they just thought we were "okay". Most Death Metal bands have dark names like "Obituary"..."Mortuary"..."Rigor Mortis". We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured". And later we changed it to "A Cappella" as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.
|» Trying to figure out a reading program|
HOMER: Iliad, Odyssey|
AESCHYLUS: Agamemnon, Libation Bearers, Eumenides, Prometheus Bound
SOPHOCLES: Oedipus Rex, Oedipus at Colonus, Antigone, Philoctetes
THUCYDIDES: Peloponnesian War
EURIPIDES: Hippolytus, Bacchae
PLATO: Meno, Gorgias, Republic, Apology, Crito, Phaedo, Symposium, Parmenides, Theatetus, Sophist, Timaeus, Phaedrus
ARISTOTLE: Poetics, Physics, Metaphysics, Nicomachean Ethics, On Generation and Corruption, Politics, Parts of Animals, Generation of Animals
LUCRETIUS: On the Nature of Things
PLUTARCH: Lycurgus, Solon
LAVOISIER: Elements of Chemistry
HARVEY: Motion of the Heart and Blood
Essays by: Archimedes, Fahrenheit, Avogadro, Dalton, Cannizzaro, Virchow, Mariotte, Driesch, Gay-Lussac, Spemann, Stears, J.J. Thompson, Mendeleyev, Berthollet, J.L. Proust
ARISTOTLE: De Anima, On Interpretation, Prior Analytics, Categories
PLUTARCH: "Caesar" and "Cato the Younger"
EPICTETUS: Discourses, Manual
PLOTINUS: The Enneads
ST. ANSELM: Proslogium
AQUINAS: Summa Theologica, Summa Contra Gentiles
DANTE: Divine Comedy
CHAUCER: Canterbury Tales
DES PREZ: Mass
MACHIAVELLI: The Prince, Discourses
COPERNICUS: On the Revolutions of the Spheres
LUTHER: The Freedom of a Christian
RABELAIS: Gargantua and Pantagruel
PALESTRINA: Missa Papae Marcelli
VIETE: "Introduction to the Analytical Art"
BACON: Novum Organum
SHAKESPEARE: Richard II, Henry IV, Henry V, The Tempest, As You Like It, Hamlet, Othello, Macbeth, King Lear, Coriolanus, Sonnets
POEMS BY: Marvell, Donne, and other 16th- and 17th-century poets
DESCARTES: Geometry, Discourse on Method
PASCAL: Generation of Conic Sections
BACH: St. Matthew Passion, Inventions
STRAVINSKY: Symphony of Psalms
CERVANTES: Don Quixote
GALILEO: Two New Sciences
DESCARTES: Meditations, Rules for the Direction of the Mind
MILTON: Paradise Lost
LA ROCHEFOUCAULD: Maximes
LA FONTAINE: Fables
HUYGENS: Treatise on Light, On the Movement of Bodies by Impact
SPINOZA: Theological-Political Treatise
LOCKE: Second Treatise of Government
NEWTON: Principia Mathematica
KEPLER: Epitome IV
LEIBNIZ: Monadology, Discourse on Metaphysics, Essay On Dynamics, Philosophical Essays, Principles of Nature and Grace
SWIFT: Gulliver's Travels
HUME: Treatise of Human Nature
ROUSSEAU: Social Contract, The Origin of Inequality
MOLIERE: The Misanthrope
ADAM SMITH: Wealth of Nations
KANT: Critique of Pure Reason, Foundations of the Metaphysics of Morals
MOZART: Don Giovanni
JANE AUSTEN: Pride and Prejudice
DEDEKIND: "Essay on the Theory of Numbers"
Declaration of Independence
The Constitution of the United States
Supreme Court opinions
HAMILTON, JAY, AND MADISON: The Federalist Papers
DARWIN: Origin of Species
HEGEL: Phenomenology of Mind, "Logic" (from the Encyclopedia)
LOBACHEVSKY: Theory of Parallels
TOCQUEVILLE: Democracy in America
LINCOLN: Selected Speeches
KIERKEGAARD: Philosophical Fragments, Fear and Trembling
MARX: Capital, Political and Economic Manuscripts of 1844, The German Ideology
DOSTOEVSKI: Brothers Karamazov
TOLSTOY: War and Peace
MELVILLE: Benito Cereno
TWAIN: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
O'CONNOR: Selected Stories
FREUD: General Introduction to Psychoanalysis
WASHINGTON, BOOKER T.: Selected Writings
DUBOIS: The Souls of Black Folk
HEIDEGGER: What is Philosophy?
HEISENBERG: The Physical Principles of the Quantum Theory
MILLIKAN: The Electron
CONRAD: Heart of Darkness
Essays by: Faraday, J.J. Thomson, Mendel, Minkowski, Rutherford, Davisson, Schrodinger, Bohr, Maxwell, de Broigle, Dreisch, Orsted, Ampere, Boveri, Sutton, Morgan, Beadle & Tatum, Sussman, Watson & Crick, Jacob & Monod, Hardy
|» Poor Louisiana|
Am I the only one who has noticed what a fucking piece of shit Bush is?|
I hope he doesn't get away with this one. In my opinion, a lot is being revealed about our government and their priorities. And, guess what? We, Americans, are not one of them.
|» (No Subject)|
April came knocking on my door before I was up. As I looked through the blinds, I contemplated whether or not I should let her in. Since she continued to knock, I did. |
Evidently, she had been drinking (among other things - AKA using crack). According to her, someone stencilled the word "crackwhore" on her door, which I find somewhat appalling and amusing at the same time. What could I say? The truth is that she is a crackwhore. She fucks dealers for crack. Forgive me, but is that not the definition of a crackwhore? Anyway, she began complaining (slurred ramblings) about how her life is so stressful, and how she has to deal with all of these guys and work at Traders tonight, which is a strip club. For some reason, she thinks everything just topples from the blue, as if she has no part in what goes on around her. The girl invites these dealers over. She asks for this shit. Dealers don't come knocking on my door out of nowhere. It's so frustrating to deal with her. She takes absolutely no responsibility for herself. I am so sick of this place!
In other news, I estimated how long it would take me to finish UF. If I stay strictly on track, I could be out of here by next December. I plan to work very hard.
|» (No Subject)|
Amadeus is the best movie ever!|